Power up Your Social Connection Engines

Feeling Like Lockdown Short Haul changed to Long Haul?

Coping with loneliness and isolation is increasingly featuring in my conversations with clients. Whether coaching one-to-one, or discussing the importance of supporting staff wellbeing with HR professionals, it is clear that our perception of the ongoing COVID19 restrictions is shifting.

The initial 'lockdown' could be viewed as a turbulent and bumpy flight to southern Europe. It was going to take a few hours, but we could see an end to it and had our sights set on the destination. Now, however, that same flight seems to have been re-routed.

Now we seem to have embarked on a gruelling long haul flight to the southern hemisphere We grabbed a bigger suitcase, emptied the contents of our wardrobe into it and piled onto the jumbo-jet, a little bewildered and more than a little disconcerted. 'What have I forgotten? Have I left anything behind? Did I turn the oven off?'

How are you feeling about all this? Can you relate to that feeling of being rushed and bundled in a direction you wouldn't have chosen? What about your people and teams? It seems, that more and more of us are feeling that sense of isolation as the prospect of the long haul restrictions unfold.

So, how can we support ourselves and others in protecting, and even enhancing our vital relationships? How can we foster genuine social connection in a world that is increasingly pushing us to more virtual communication environments?

The first thing we need to do is get acquainted with our 'social connection engines.' Those workhorses of wellbeing that keep our aircraft (our physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing) in the air and on course. It is clear from my reading and research, in preparing for delivering a series of client webinars on this topic, that human connection, especially in-person, face-to-face, interaction is critical to living a sustainable and meaningful life.

So let's take a look at those engines:

Engine 1: Your Close & Intimate relationships

This engine is powered by those relationships in which we share strong emotional bonds, love, openness and vulnerabilities. Ideally these are relationships where this is a two-way sharing and mutual bonding. It need not be a partner. Perhaps it's a childhood friend or soul mate. A parent or sibling. The key is that ability to be totally open. There is trust, feelings of safety, and the chance to be totally you. You on a bad day. There is an emotional richness to these deep relationships

Engine 2: Your circle of friends and relations

This engine is powered by your close network of friends and family, with whom you share moments and memories. You bond over shared interests, family ties and events. You know or sense that they will always be there for you if you need them; and they you. In this circle may be future potential engine 1 candidates, or they may have been in the past. There is a feeling of 'we've got each other's backs.'

These two engines are doing the heavy lifting when it comes to our wellbeing and keeping you on course. They nourish our emotional and psychological wellbeing. Research also indicates their importance in supporting ongoing physical health (1).

Engine Failure?

So what happens if we lose one of our key engines? Let's say engine 1 goes down. A significant relationship breakdown or ends? The good news for most of us is that so long as we have a well functioning engine 2, i.e. a circle of family and friends with whom we are connected and interacting, we can ramp up the rev counter on that and, to an extent, compensate for the loss of engine 1. Let's be clear, this won't be easy, or any less painful. We will still be dealing with the grief and emotional fallout of the loss of engine 1, however, leaning on those friends and family will help us stay in the air. We may need to find a nearby landing spot to tend to the damage, but engine 2 will assist us in landing reasonably safely and give us confidence that we could take off again with a replacement engine 1 - one which needs to be tested and 'run in.' And what happens if we lose engine 2 instead of 1? Similarly we can fall back on engine 1 to support us and keep us in the air.

What about engine's 3 & 4?

These are, perhaps, the under appreciated engines that are either purring away in the background (engine 3), or ready and able to jump into action to support you in an emergency (engine 4). Let's meet them:

Engine 3: Your wider circle of associates, distant family, work colleagues

This engine, general ticks along, often without a lot of attention. Those people we regularly bump into, interact or connect with infrequently do contribute to our general sense of connection and significance in the world. We tend to notice them more when absent. A period of sick leave may lead us to feel that disconnection from work colleagues - even if one or two of them irritated the life out of us. They remind us, we are real. We exist. No wonder then, that the restrictions have had a significant impact upon this engine. These relationships and connections can also open us up to new information, resources and support. How many times have you found a chance conversation with a work colleague has led to you trying out something new, or discovering that you were not the only one dealing with a particular issue?

Engine 4: Independent Professional Support

Again, an under appreciated engine and one which is likely to remain idle and on stand-by, ready for those emergency situations, where we have catastrophic engine failure - engine 1 and 3 fail, and engine 2 is severely impaired, for example. Hang on, doesn't that sound familiar? Oh yes, like the last seven months or so. This professional support includes, your GP, your therapist, or access to your organisation's confidential counselling service and other resources. Your Occupational Health Department. A coach.

It's ironic then, that many of us don't realise we even have an engine 4, or don't appreciate just how supportive that engine can be. Ok, so it isn't going to sustain us through life's long haul, but it can help us to a safe landing spot. It can bring in the experts to help us repair the engines that are offline. It can support us in dealing with the emotional fallout of losing significant relationships in our lives.

In the next article I will share some research based tips and strategies to help us maintain our social connection engines, strengthen them or develop new meaningful connections.

For now, I have a number of questions to reflect on:

How are your social connection engines? Any failures? Any 'engine tuning' required?

How have your engines coped with the last few months?

How prepared are your social connection engines for the coming long haul leg of the journey?

And for those of you leading teams, supporting others, what have you got in place for those of you who might need to make an emergency landing? Are the landing lights clear and illuminated?

Identifying areas for improvement or attention can be a powerful way of ensuring you or your people stay in the air.

Get in touch with me if you want to discuss my coaching and webinars on this topic or any of my other topics relating to wellbeing - positive coping, stress management, developing resilience, and improving self-care and sleep.

Check out my recent ‘ZestCast in which I explore this from the perspective of male mental health

Dave

Dave Algeo, Restless Mid-Lifer
'It is never too late to get life back on your terms and have even bigger adventures!'
dave@restlessmidlifer.com