FAQ - How Do I overcome Default habits?

Focusing on the underlying problem

How often do you find yourself having the best of intentions when it comes to working towards a goal only to find yourself sliding back into default habits? There’s a good reason for this and in this video I share my thoughts on this and how to really get beyond those defaults.

The transcript is below:

Does it serve you?

That is a good question to think about when we are looking at all the stuff we do in life, the rituals, routines, habits, the default habits, rituals and routines that, you know, by default, I mean, the stuff we do without thinking, without any effort,

we do it unconsciously, or it takes a bit of effort, but it's just normal air quotes normal for us. Because the key question is, do those default habits serve us? And the serve us is in relation to the goals we want to achieve and the life we want to live.

And that's the question that I want to focus on now, is the 'default habit challenge,' I guess. Because if you've ever set yourself a goal, and I'm sure you have, you know, we've all set goals, whether it's weight loss, health improvement, fitness improvement, a job, a career,

business, life, relationships, whatever it is, we've all set ourselves some sort of goals.

That indicates really that where we are now is not where we would like to be, because the point of goal is to move us into a different place.

It's not that life may be not great, maybe,

you know, totally rubbish at a particular point, it may be that we just want to improve it a little, or make big changes, because life isn't where we want to be by a long shot. But the point is, the goal is different. It sets us apart, it sets the state that we want to be apart from where we are now. And that's where those default habits, rituals and routines become something we need to become aware of.

Because your default habits, rituals and routines, if they were sufficient and satisfactory and enough to move you towards a goal, you'd already be there.

And maybe there's a question of time, and that's fair enough,

but we chance to be well on the route to whatever that goal is.

And that's the key thing, because the default habits, rituals and routines are serving a purpose in helping us navigate life, but whenever we set a goal, we do need to start looking at what do I need to change.

And therein lies the challenge, because sometimes it may need wholesale change, a lot of big changes, or some small tweaks, or a lot of small changes over time. And as a sproutsweater, I tend to favour that,

as opposed to the wholesale, all-in, all-or -nothing change.

Because whilst I'm not against big action,

big goals, big dreams, big thinking, whatever, not against it, in fact, I'm a big fan of it,

it does need to be broken down into small chunks and manageable chunks that are achievable,

and we need to have a foundation upon which to make those big leaps.

We need to have a foundation of good, solid,

healthy habits and moves towards that goal.

The challenge here is, though, that when we are looking to achieve a particular goal, we are inevitably going to step away or change the default habits,

to stop doing something, to change something up, to do more of, or introduce a new habit.

And when we do that, we need to invest not only action and physical effort, but cognitive effort and emotional effort as well. So we need to start to give attention and focus to that.

And that is where the challenge is. Because where we often struggle is in shifting there when life is chaotic.

If life is great, easy, things are going well, and you introduce a new goal, everything's pretty even,

life and relationships, money, whatever, all of these things are going well, and you introduce this new goal,

then we pretty much have the capacity to give attention to the new actions and new habits that we need to embark on or introduce to move us towards that goal. We have enough capacity in the system, if you like, the emotional, psychological, the physical.

The challenge is,

and I think this is the reality of life for most of us, is life is rarely ideal in that sense. It's rarely we're cracking on, everything's working out smoothly, life has its ups and downs, doesn't it? And for many of us, it's more challenging than not. We would probably choose it to be less challenging in some ways. You know, we might have kids staying at home and staying home longer,

going through teenage angst, perhaps paying for uni, financial challenges,

elderly parents or relatives that we have to care for. We're kind of that sandwiched in between those pressures.

We've got work worries, financial worries,

you know, the cost of living crisis that people talk about now. There's lots of things that can throw us off. Within that, there might be relationship issues, etc.

So, there's a lot to deal with.

And the challenge here is that when we then try to embark on a new goal,

a new thing,

what capacity do we have left to invest in the new actions, the changing of, the ditching of old habits?

What capacity do we have? And I would guess and I would suggest that it's finite, if not verging on zero for many of us.

And that is the challenge. Because what we will do in times like that is default to the default. We will resort or return to the default habits.

And this is the challenge. Because when we are in that place, we desperately want to achieve a particular goal. Whether it's weight loss, and that's the thing I tend to work a lot with clients around,

or changing a career, or trying to upskill in something, or whatever, seeking a new relationship.

When the pressure is on in the rest of life,

there is very little in the reserves to dedicate to working towards that.

Which is where the sprout sweating comes in for me. It's about, let's not go all or nothing. Let's pick one habit and make a change there. Let's find one thing to win. Let's find one thing to change and or embed.

That said, when we are in that place where our capacity is squeezed so much, we are going to return and resort to the default habits.

And those default habits may actively undermine or get in the way, or disrupt the movement towards our goal.

Or at the very least not help us. And fill in time and fill in the blanks that we could otherwise use.

And this is the challenge where we find when that happens,

who do we blame? Or where do we go?

What do we do at that time?

From my experience, personally and with clients,

often we blame ourselves.

We say, what's wrong with me? I'm not strong enough. I'm not determined enough. I have no willpower. I'm lazy. And I'm going to talk about labelling in another episode.

I'm not this. I'm not that. I'm too this. I'm too that. And we start to label ourselves and really get into that self-sabotage. That self-sabotage that I talk about.

And for me, when I talk self-compassion, I'm not talking about fluffy, soft, being nice to ourselves. Although being nice to ourselves is good. But there's a kind of a perception that self -compassion is all soft and kind and fluffy and hands off. It's not. It's pragmatic and it's tough.

Because what we're actually doing when we exercise self-compassion is saying,

alright, enough with the self-sabotage. Enough with the self-cabotage.

Enough.

There's a good reason why I'm falling into these default behaviours.

The reason is because this is going on in my life. That's going on in my life. I have very little energy, emotional, physical or otherwise, to dedicate to the goal.

The self-compassion is about getting real. Getting pragmatic and practical.

And recognising that when you are under pressure, you will default to your default behaviours, rituals and routines. So what we need to do, instead of wasting time on self-cabotage,

is to acknowledge we're doing it,

be compassionate,

park it and then look at what is getting in the way. Instead of trying to blast ourselves and say, I'm going to try harder, I'm going to do this, make wholesale massive changes to our habit foundations,

which can leave us on unsteady ground,

let's look at where the real problems or challenges lie.

And let's look at one of those.

So it might be that it's a real job worry, a financial issue, a relationship issue. It might be an energy issue around health. It might be something within that.

But let's focus on that rather than trying to spend time beating ourselves up or B, trying to introduce lots of new things to move us towards a goal when there is a big obstacle in the way. Let's tackle the obstacle.

Now I don't necessarily mean we move an immovable object if it's something that we cannot, we have to put up with, we have to deal with. But in my experience,

when we actually look at the challenge and confront it head on,

look at it, decide what it is, whether that's I'm spending so much time caring for an elderly relative or I'm spending so much time worrying about financial issues. It can feel, when we don't look at it, too big, too immovable, I have no power over it. But when we confront it, we can look at what we can do in sprout size ways to make changes, to make it a little bit easier, a little bit lighter to reduce the friction.

So my food for thought today is about that.

If you're finding that you are routinely not getting to your goal, you're setting goals and you're not getting there and

then the self-cabotage is kicking in.

Park the self-cabotage,

look at what the reasons are, the real reasons. It's not because you're lazy, weak, pathetic, whatever.

It is because other stuff is going on.

And rather than trying to make foundational changes,

look at that issue. See if you can identify that one thing. And here's a tip.

Look for the thing that you least, least want to confront.

The thing you really do not want to admit to, open up to or just be honest about.

Look at that thing.

Because that will be it.

That will be the thing that you need to give attention to.

Now I'm not saying that it isn't scary.

I'm not saying that it's something that you need to do alone.

I'm not saying that things may not get worse before they get better.

But the challenge is, by confronting it you can start to get control,

take action and move forward.

And it is really important that you do that. You do that honestly and you get your support team around you and on board.

So that's my food for thought today.

Hopefully you can appreciate that because for me, I'm passionate about and I see this time and again. I do it to myself. When you start to beat yourself up for not doing,

inevitably there is something else that is in the way, that has happened, that is going on, that is the driver for you not doing. It is not because you're useless. It is not because you're weak. It is not because you're pathetic. It is because stuff is happening.

Shit is going on and you need to address that.

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Dave

Dave Algeo

Midlife Health and Weight Management Coach

Reclaim your Health, Life and Sense of Adventure in Midlife and Beyond

https://www.midlifereshape.com/#weightmanagement #weightloss #weightlossjourney #coach #midlifecoach #midlifewomen #midlifemen

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Dave

Dave Algeo, Restless Mid-Lifer' It is never too late to get life back on your terms and have even bigger adventures!'dave@restlessmidlifer.com